tonight.. I'm blogging again once more.
life right now, seems quiet in my opinion.. well, so much quiet than usual. usually, there's so many things to do outside. but right now, it's all the "same". however, I don't mind living like this for a while but things could change in an instance, or it could stay the same. I don't want to write much here.. but just the need to "extract" my personal feelings on something; on a computer, my blog site.
for the past few months, a lot of things are bothering me in one way or another. some were temporary, some were lasting. the temporary ones are all new but didn't quite bother me. the lasting ones were supposed to be "dead" but no.. it still lingers.. and it has been there with me ever since. I don't like keeping it to myself nor expressing it to the community. but I guess I just need to write. at least to frequently remind myself how "troubled" I am right now. though it may not be important to most people, it is indeed very important to me.
funny how people can't notice how "disturbed" I am. it seems like I covered it all up very nicely. although I tend to attract some attention when I expressed some distress in my status updates on Facebook, when people ask what's the matter, I reply in a joking manner; implying that I was just fooling around. but seriously, I do feel disturbed.. but I couldn't help keeping it to myself so I expressed them through Facebook and the joke comments I put there were intentional so that people won't ask more. I admit, I don't need anybody's help. I can solve this on my own.
back to the topic, I would have sleepless nights. though I could sleep after that, I often have dreams.. most of them were sweet, warm, thoughtful. in other words, the dreams I had were nice. sometimes, I would love to stay in dreams longer than reality. most of the dreams were vivid; I could feel one's hand on mine, feel emotions.. only to feel depressed upon waking up because I was so happy to feel this way, and then all of that vanished. I don't like it at all.. but at least I have some times of happiness though temporary.
furthermore, I often wanted to find some place where I can be alone. I'm always in the need to think, to correct myself for past mistakes.. or just be alone.
the only times when I'm not feeling troubled is when I'm playing video games and playing badminton. that's why right now I'm spending more time on video games than other stuffs. but I know it won't help me forever.. one day I might want to do something new.. something more exciting.
but what am I having actually? what really bothers me? am I having stress? yes, I think I do have stress but what causes the stress? well, I don't need to find out about that. I already know. and it's making me crazy.. what am I to do about it..?
every second, it hurts me. I prefer not to hurt anybody with what I'm facing and that is why I pushed away the things that were close to me. but I don't love them anymore. I lost all feelings.. I feel nothing when I throw them all away. it sounds cruel but it's the best option. if I keep them close, they will get hurt too. I don't want that. furthermore, they were all burdens to me.. I'd rather cut loose. I'm sorry for what I've done but honestly I don't care whether you're hurt from my actions and I don't care if you hate me.
still.. about my dreams.. I would call it "meeting the Wedding Crasher" dreams. Wedding Crasher(WC) was always beautiful. whenever I was around WC, I would feel comfortable and calm. I would smile. we were always in different places, and all of them were nice places. WC would recite memorable words in my past. the words were once meant a lot to me but uttered by people who don't actually mean what they say. I would sometimes have walks with WC.. while holding hands.. it was so real.. reminds me so much of.. never mind. but anyway, usually our talks were short. and then I would wake up in the morning.. felt sad again. another day to live through.
for anybody's information, Wedding Crasher is a real person in real life. and she's female, my age. WC is also the same person in real life; all personalities are there. I must be crazy but seriously I would dream of WC almost every night. I know one day the dreams will end soon.
I don't know what to say more.. because these words I wrote here aren't making any sense at all. I'm not revealing the truth anyway. but obviously I think all of you know already. hahaha..
anyway.. that's all I have to blog about for now..
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